


The 'Accidental' Kidnapping of Wendy Testaburger

by Kivea



Category: South Park
Genre: 'accidental' kidnapping, Aged-Up Character(s), Comedy, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Romance, Teenagers, boys being dumb, teens trying to figure out what a healthy relationship is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:24:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13034964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kivea/pseuds/Kivea
Summary: “Okay,” Kenny finally broke the silence. “New plan: we run away, fugitives of the law, but keep her alive and sell her bone marrow for our income.”Kyle spluttered indignantly. “No! You’re taking her back! I can’t believe you kidnapped her!”“You said you wanted to talk!”--When Wendy breaks up with Stan for the thousandth time, Kyle decides he's had enough. He makes the mistake of tasking Kenny with getting her alone so they can have a chat.





	The 'Accidental' Kidnapping of Wendy Testaburger

**Author's Note:**

> Hi welcome to my story I love these idiots and also spent like four hours on the 'imagine your OTP' tag today 
> 
> I can't find the right link to where the prompt inspiration came from but I'm gonna scour the fucking net for it. When I searched 'keep her alive and sell her bone marrow' in google I just got Jodi Picoult books so 
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

He should’ve never trusted Kenny. 

The pair stood staring down at the trunk of the McCormick’s ratty old car, Kyle with one hand covering his mouth as his mind spun round with thoughts on what they should do, while Kenny stood next to him with his hands behind his head, grimacing as he took stock of the situation. The trunk was open, leaving the prize on display, staring back up at them with fire in her eyes. 

“Okay,” Kenny finally broke the silence. “New plan: we run away, fugitives of the law, but keep her alive and sell her bone marrow for our income.” 

Kyle spluttered indignantly. “No! You’re taking her back! I can’t believe you  _kidnapped her_!” 

“You said you wanted to talk!” 

“Yeah,  _talk_ , not tie her up and shove her in the back of your parent’s car!” 

“Well, that’s me fresh out of ideas then.” 

Kyle let out a loud cry of frustration to the sky, praying for strength. “I cannot  _believe you_!” 

“We should be showing a unified front in the face of the enemy, Kyle.” 

“A unified front?!” he spat back. “I’m not here to condone you kidnapping our best friend’s ex-girlfriend!” 

Kenny gave a nervous laugh and shrugged it off. “I-uh-whoops?” 

“One of these days I’m going to tie you up and shove you in the back of my car, see how you like it.” 

He should’ve known what the response would be. The blonde waggled his eyebrows and nudged their shoulders together. “Kinky.” 

“No, I am done with your awful humour today.” 

The purple clad girl in front of them huffed out, finally getting their attention. They stayed locked in a stalemate as she glowered from her position, before sighing, deep and defeated, and began to murmur through the duct tape wrapped round her mouth. 

“Alright,” Kyle stepped forward, reaching out for the tape. “This is gonna hurt.” 

She nodded. She was aware. 

He tried to get it off in one clean tear. He ignored the way she whimpered once the material was off, and the way the skin around her lips blossomed pink. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Am I  _okay_?” she deadpanned. “Really, Kyle?” 

“I-shit-yeah I know. I’m sorry.” 

Queue the classic Wendy eye-roll. “Can you untie my wrists too?” 

Kenny rushed forward, waving his hands madly. “Don’t!” 

Kyle turned round. “Why not?” 

“She’ll punch me! You can’t give her that leverage!” 

“She’s not-Wendy, if I untie you will you punch Kenny.” 

She paused. “I mean, are you telling me he wouldn’t deserve it?” 

“See?! Please, babe, think about my pretty face.” 

Kyle pushed down the usual rush of heat he felt when Kenny used affectionate pet names. He took a step away from Wendy, who cursed under her breath, and instead returned to trying to figure out what the  _hell_ he was meant to do with all this. 

“Kenny, just-can you please explain to me how you went from ‘talk’ to ‘kidnap’?” 

The blonde nodded with a grin. “Yes! So, I’ve been trying to get her attention for like, three whole days, but she kept giving me the cold shoulder, so I asked Red-!” 

Wendy groaned. 

“-Who said that if any of Stan’s stupid friends wanted to get her alone to talk, we’d have to kidnap her, because no way was she going to degrade herself and her values like that.” 

“And you took her literally.” 

He shrugged. “I mean, it worked, right?” 

Kyle and Wendy exchanged a look. Neither of them could say it didn’t, but… 

“It’s still wrong,” Kyle insisted. “In future, please consult with me before you decide to take matters into your own hands, okay?” 

“You got it, sugar.” 

“Right,” the redhead turned to Wendy, who was shifting uncomfortably in the small space she had been provided. “We need to talk.” 

“You’re seriously going to talk to me while I’m tied up in the trunk of a car?” she questioned. “How is this not meant to be threatening? How can you believe anything I’m going to say will be neutral and not said out of fear?” 

“We’ve known each other since elementary school. Like you honestly believe I’m threatening you.” 

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t put it past-!” 

“Fine!” he snapped. “You might not believe me, but I believe you, and I believe you’re not going to lie to me or be afraid of me.” 

She almost  _preened_ with pride at that. 

“Just-we need to talk, okay?” 

“Fine. What do you want to talk about?” she questioned. “Because if this is about Stan, I thought I made myself pretty clear.” 

“Of course it’s about Stan!” 

“I’m not getting back together with him.” 

“I wish you wouldn’t!” he took a step forward, looming over her and matching her defiant gaze. “Holy shit, I wish you wouldn’t keep getting back together. Do you know how many times I’ve had to sit with my best friend and listen to him talk about how this same bitch keeps breaking his heart?!” 

She opened her mouth to argue the point, but he didn’t give her a word. 

“I’m sick of it, okay?! I’m sick of helping him get over you and then three days later I turn around and you’re back together!” 

“So what? You want to tell me to stay away? What do you think I’ve been doing?!” 

A hand landed on his shoulder, pulling him back. He sucked in a breath and turned to see baby blue eyes searching his face, the tug of a crooked smile bringing him back down to earth. 

He took another breath, closing his eyes and willing any anger away. The hand on his shoulder squeezed before dropping down. 

“I want you to just…stop messing each other about,” Kyle admitted. “Who Stan chooses to be with is up to him, but this whole back and forth thing is just-it’s ridiculous! And unhealthy, for both of you. You need to learn to work through your problems, not just quit as soon as the going gets tough. Just…talk to each other.” 

“That’s rich coming from you two.” 

The pair stopped, silence descending as they looked down at the fuming dark haired girl. 

“Stan was always telling me to keep my nose out of it, that we should just let things take a natural course or whatever, but Stan isn’t the boss of me and I don’t have to listen to him anymore!” Wendy began to squirm, throwing her secured legs over the edge of the car and pushing herself up to stand at their height. Kenny rushed forward in case she needed help keeping steady, but she shook her head to tell him she was fine. “You’re a hypocritical little shit, Kyle Broflovski.” 

“What?!” the angry red beast reared its head again. “What did I do?!” 

“Telling me off for having a back and forth thing? Preaching good communication?” she gave a sharp laugh. “Don’t make me laugh! You two are awful at communicating!” 

They froze in place as he eyes pointedly flickered between them. 

“He calls you  _babe_ , and you get jealous when he flirts with girls!” 

“I-wha-I do  _not_  get jealous!” Kyle defended, anger quickly turning to embarrassment. 

“Oh please, you so do! Last week he was chatting up Patty Nelson and you were standing at Stan’s locker with us positively seething! I was half expecting you to go over and tear her hair out!

“And you!” she turned on Kenny. “You call him babe, and drape yourself over him at  _every_ opportunity, and follow him around like a lost puppy or something! But you’re too chicken shit to say anything!”

The blonde disappeared beneath the collar of his parka. 

“Stan and I aren’t perfect, but neither are you two!” she snapped. “You’re practically already a couple! He keeps saying it’s because you developed feeling so slowly he’s not sure you’ve even realised. You know what I say? I say that if that’s the case, someone needs to knock your heads together!” 

Silence fell over the trio, only broken up by the occasional bird or shuffling of feet. Kyle’s eyes were locked on Kenny, who refused to look anywhere except his shoes as he kicked at the snow with a scowl on his face. Wendy finally gave a hop and a stumble, springing both boys into action as they rushed forward to keep her standing. 

“I’m done,” she announced. “Take me to Stan’s house.” 

“But-!” 

“No,” her voice became level, the familiar reasonable tone that they’d come to respect. “You’re right. A hypocritical asshole, but you’re right. We need to properly talk.” 

Kenny moved round to the ropes at her wrists. 

She spun away from him, falling into Kyle. “And I want him to see what his so called best friends thought was appropriate to do to me!” 

“That’s-yeah, that’s fair,” Kenny agreed, voice cracking as he spoke. “I’ll drive.” 

Kyle offered Wendy the front seat, pulling the chair forward to allow himself into the back. Kenny helped her into the seat before shutting the door and getting into the driver’s seat. 

The journey was silent. Kyle huddled on the back seat with his mind racing full over everything Wendy had said, too distracted to pay attention to where they were going. He frowned at himself when he thought about when Kenny had been talking to Patty, remembering Stan and Wendy there talking about something he didn’t care about. 

Maybe he’d been a little jealous. 

Maybe he’d been a  _lot_ jealous. 

But Kenny was like that with everyone, right? 

It wasn’t like he was special. 

He didn’t focus back on the present until the car stopped and Kenny got out, moving round to help Wendy. Kyle clambered out after them, checking she didn’t want him to untie her before she went to the house. 

“No,” she gave him a hard look. “I want you to think about today and take your own advice to heart.” 

She began hopping down the path, refusing Kenny’s assistance when he offered it. She turned with pink cheeks when she got to the front door and realised there was no way to knock, gesturing for one of them to go over. Kenny rushed forward, knocking on the door three times, before he trotted back down the path to where Kyle stood at the car. 

Kenny still didn’t meet his eyes. 

Stan answered, brows pulled together with confusion before his eyes popped wide as he took in her dishevelled state. He fished out the pocket knife his Uncle Jimbo had bought him for his sixteenth, making quick work of the ropes and allowing them to drop to the ground, before grasping her shoulders and checking she was okay. 

It was kind of sweet how much Stan cared for this girl. 

She glanced over her shoulder where Kyle and Kenny were, Stan following her gaze. His expression held a million emotions Kyle had learnt to read over the years, though it settled somewhere between mildly annoyed and oddly grateful. 

Kenny grinned and gave a thumbs up. Wendy rolled her eyes. 

They watched as the ex-couple disappeared inside the house, leaving the pair alone. 

“You can walk home from here, right?” 

“Kenny…” 

“No-just-I’m gonna…go wallow in a shame fort somewhere or something,” the blonde gave a forced laugh. “You know, hide from the world for a little while.” 

“We need to talk.” 

“You know me, talking’s never been a strong point.” 

Kyle grasped hold of the boy’s arm, not letting him leave. “I’m serious! I-I was jealous. Of Patty Nelson. Last week.” 

Kenny stared with an unblinking face and an unreadable expression. 

“I just-maybe Stan’s right, and it’s happened so slowly and so naturally that I never really noticed, but-!” his voice choked off and his eyes flickered away towards the car, heartbeat in his ears. “I’ve developed…feelings. I don’t-I don’t really know exactly what, but…” 

_But…_

For once he was left without words to describe what he wanted to say. 

The longer they stood there the more his stomach plummeted to the floor which he wished would just open up and take him alive. 

“Can you-can you say something?” he asked, fingers tightening around the arm he was still clutching on to. “Or do something, please?” 

He did. 

An arm moved up, fingers taking hold of his chin and turning him to look at Kenny properly, blue eyes searching his face and seeing deeper than Kyle could possibly hope to see. They were close-too close for him to breathe-but it didn’t matter. He could count each freckle that was splattered across the blonde’s cheeks. 

Kenny dipped forward, sealing their lips together with a soft delicateness that Kyle wouldn’t be able to replicate if he tried. 

Words just  _couldn’t describe_ what he wanted to say. They couldn’t describe the thousand and one things that he wanted to express. The hurricane of emotions that Kenny left in his wake. 

The blonde pulled back, but Kyle followed him. 

* * *

 

Stan watched out the window as his two best friends kissed in front of his house, Wendy next to him rubbing the cream he’d gotten her into her wrists to sooth any rope burn she had. He raised a brow and looked down at her as she gave a wistful sigh, a small smile playing on her lips. 

“Seriously, Wends?” 

“It’s kind of romantic, you have to admit,” she argued. “Look at them. It’s so…” 

“Gross,” he raised a fist, banging it against the window and sniggering as the pair jumped a mile in the air. 

“Stan!” 

“What? I don’t want them making out on my lawn!” 

She pursed her lips as she looked up at him. “Don’t be mean.” 

When he looked back out to where the pair were Kyle had raised his middle finger at Stan, getting a laugh from Kenny, who moved to dip Kyle back and plant a kiss on his lips that was hungrier than the last ones. It was matched by the fiery redhead in his arms. 

“That’s it, where’s my water pistol?” 

“Stanley, I swear, don’t ruin this for me.” 

“Have I ever told you how weird girls are? I feel like that’s something I don’t comment on enough.” 

She chuckled and took a step back from the window as the pair outside climbed back into the car. “You’ve told me a few times. I’m sorry for turning up unannounced like this.” 

“It’s fine,” the way his eyes shifted away gave away the lie. “Are you gonna explain to me what happened?” 

“Kenny sort of…tied me up and threw me in the trunk of his car.” 

“He  _what_?” 

“Kyle chewed him out for it,” she assured. “Don’t worry. He was livid.” 

“Yeah, I’d fucking hope so.” 

“So we just kind of talked for a bit, about healthy relationships and communication.” 

He ran a hand through the mess of black hair on his head. “Shit. I’m so sorry; I told them to just leave it. I should’ve known they’d pull some shit like this.” 

“It’s fine, really. They really care about you. It’s good to know you have such good friends.” 

He shrugged, his shoulders slumping forward with the motion. “Was…was there anything else?” 

Her heart fluttered in her chest in the way it always did when he gave her that kicked puppy look. She couldn’t help but giggle. “Yes, Stan. I was wondering…perhaps it might be nice if we started fresh.” 

“Huh?” 

She stretched a hand out, feeling a little satisfied at the grimace he pulled seeing the red rings on her wrists. “Wendy Testaburger. We have English Lit together. It’s nice to meet you.” 

He paused, taking in the situation, before grasping her hand in a firm shake. “Stan Marsh. You’re-uh-yeah, pretty cool.” 

“’Pretty cool’?” 

“Yeah, you know. Smart and stuff,” he pulled a face. “I feel a little nauseous.” 

She laughed, but the compliment was appreciated. “You’re pretty cool too. You know what else would be pretty cool?” 

“What?” 

“If maybe we could go on a date sometime. Like a first date.” 

“I’d like that.” 

She positively beamed. “Great! I-I should warn you, I’ve been told I tend to…quit easy, when it comes to these things. Instead of talking them through like a civilised person.” 

“I guess that makes two of us,” he finally dropped her hand. “Maybe we can work through it together?” 

“Sounds perfect.” 


End file.
